To go beside you, Is where I want to be
by Axena
Summary: AU. One hundred years after they were separated, six friends roam the earth unaware of each others existence.
1. Persistence of Memory

**_"Persistence of Memory"_**

**-Salvador Dali, Persistence of Memory **

**Bella**

"I predict that…" Alice stalled as she looked into the eyes of every face that formed the small circle. All seven pairs stared back.

"C'mon Alice! We're dying here!" Emmett cut in.

"All right All right, hold on" She straightened up a bit and closed her eyes.

"I predict that Edward will ask Bella to the Spring Dance" My eyes widened and I felt the heat of a blush creep up my neck and settle on my cheeks. _What the Hell Alice?!_ Everyone in the room turned to look at us while I avoided looking into Edward's eyes. We were friends sure and we _were_ probably going to go to that dance together but as friends and also as slaves of Alice. She liked such events. I abhorred them. That is, until I felt a very familiar hand touch mine. Then, the idea of such an event didn't appear as revolting as before.

Why was Edward Cullen touching my hand?

Before I had a chance to ask him, Alice moved on to Rosalie and Emmett. Apparently, they were going to elope in Vegas when they turned eighteen. Rosalie laughed saying that was obviously impossible, she wasn't even going out _with_ Emmett. I saw Royce tighten his hold around his girlfriend's waist. I think Rosalie was the only one that didn't see the look of dejection in Emmett's eyes. I sent him a small smile and he returned it with his grin.

Emmett and I were foster siblings, something he took grate pride in, though I think that was mostly for my benefit. He had found me crying one day under the bed of my new room when I was six. I had confessed to him that I missed my parents. He was ten at the time and surprisingly intuitive when he wanted to be. He had told me that he liked being a foster kid. I had momentarily stopped crying and between sniffles asked him why. He said it was because being a foster kid was the coolest thing on the whole entire universe. He said with such vigor that found myself giggling slightly. Every day after that he would find something new for us to love about being foster children and I guess it just turned into a sort of joke for us. Though I found that I sometimes still needed the reassurance that this was the best life we could possibly live.

We were never separated after that and somehow neither of us were adopted for the whole duration of our stay in Saint Marie's foster home. He was going to turn eighteen soon and had promised me that he would adopt me once he was a legal adult. I foolishly believed this and I think, at the time, he did too.

Alice and Edward came to us as a wrapped package. They were biological siblings. Alice was my age and Edward was only a year older. I met him the day I turned fourteen and the crush has never gone away. His hand shifted slightly and then separated. I snapped back to the present. Alice had gone still. Almost catatonic. Every single kid in the room had gone quiet and was staring at our little group. We were at Jessica's party, she was part of the student body of our school and had invited everyone. She was Emmett's age and since he dragged us along wherever he went, we had come along too.

"What's with Alice?" I whispered in Edward's ear as I approached him.

"She shrieked and then went dead still, she snapped her eyes open but her stare is blank, I don't know what to do Bella." He sounded in pain. Just as Edward was about to move next to Alice, a boy I had never seen before grabbed her arms lightly and shook her a little. I heard Edward growl but Emmett stopped him, promising that Jasper, the person's name, was safe. After Jasper put his hands on Alice's face, she seemed to come back to us and the small group that we had formed -Edward, Rosalie, Royce, Emmett, Jasper, and myself- surrounded her. We frantically asked if she was ok when she started laughing and told us that we had fallen for the oldest trick in the book. Something about her smile was off though, as if she was trying to fake it off. I ignored this and reprimanded her.

"Alice that was seriously not funny!"

"Oh c'mon Bella don't be such a joy kill," I glared at her.

"All right, sorry, bad joke k? My bad"

"Apology accepted, though I'm still a bit mad at you" We went back to our game and left once the party started to become rated T for teens, who are seriously drunk. Rosalie and Royce stayed behind though. Emmett looked like he wanted to take Rosalie back and went as far as to tell her that she should go home. Royce was drunk; he could make sure she got home safely. Rosalie declined saying she could take care of herself. Emmett couldn't argue with that, the girl could kick ass.

We walked back to Saint Marie's in silence. I never got the chance to question Alice about what had really happened back at Jessica's place because that night brought our world upside down.

We had all gotten ready for bed, boys in one side of the building, girls on the other. We had said our goodbyes and I had boldly hugged Edward longer than was necessary, he didn't seem like he wanted to let go either. I rejoiced inside. Alice and I were changing along with the other girls when we heard the head mistress of the whole place screaming for Jasper Hale. Alice and I exchanged looks, got into our pajamas and rushed out. We met Edward and Emmett halfway down the hall that separated the two units and quietly made our way to the head mistress office where we saw Jasper in a chair, tears in his eyes. Rosalie had been raped and left for dead on an alley near Jessica's house.

That single event changed everything. It may sound like I feel it to bee insignificant, _that singe event_, singe as if it didn't hold the weight that it did. I say it that way because I didn't know Rosalie, I saw her as a girl that my brother had a thing for. That is not to say I wasn't affected. I mourned her like a distant friend; I never went out alone anymore. The fear I had instilled in myself, along with the warnings the males of our group provided prevented me from doing otherwise. We always went out in groups and if possible with one of the guys.

The dynamics of our group changed.  
Emmett was the first to go.

He left a week after Royce was found dead in the middle of his living room. I don't remember the reason for his departure but I remember the promise to come back. I remember crying for him not to leave. I remember telling him that I needed him. I remember watching him go.

He kept in touch regularly after that mainly because our address never changed. We were never adopted. I would read the letters to everyone whenever one came. He had moved to the country. He was building a cabin with some people he had met. He was moving to another state. The letters were scarce and held little information on what he was really feeling. Whether he was still mourning Rosalie or if he had finally moved on. Then one day, he wrote that he was going to visit. It was the year he turned eighteen.

He never came.

The afternoon that he was supposed to arrive was filled with anticipation. I was going to turn fifteen soon. I'd had my first kiss, I'd had my first boyfriend. There were many firsts for me that year and I couldn't wait to tell him all about it. Edward managed to distract me for a couple of hours with his perfect lips but I grew worried once night hit and there was still no answer from the cell phone he had acquired as of late. The news came the next day.

One of the nuns, I don't remember her name now - trivial human memories fade with time- had called me into her room and she had the most stern face I've ever seen. She told me to sit down, something had happened. Something she felt I should know about.

"There is no easy way to say this" She blurted as I stared at her face. My piercings must have scared her. There was a pregnant silence before her words shattered one of the most important things I had ever loved.

"Emmett is dead" It's almost comical the way I remember her saying those three words. Her mouth moved too slowly and for a while I was not able to process her words. Emmett couldn't be dead, he had promised. He had promised _me_ that he was coming back. The nurse was lying. Yes, that was it. I screamed at her, told her how much of a bitch she was for lying to me, _knowing_ that he was important to me. I partially lost my sanity that day and feel as if I've never regained it from then on.

I wore black more than ever and rarely spoke to anyone besides Jasper, Alice or Edward. I was a hurt teenager angry at the world. I felt that there was injustice everywhere I turned. The war that broke out that year only helped my cynical thoughts increase. Jasper was drafted soon after and I felt that everything I loved in life was being taken away from us.

_Three down, three more to go._

After Jasper left, Alice seemed to go crazy. Her "visions" became more and more clear each day. Both Edward and I had stopped thinking her insane along time ago. That didn't mean the nuns had. With out warning and with out any chance to say goodbye they took her one morning and she silently went with them. She had lost a lot of weight and there seemed no more fight in her. I was the one that screamed and kicked, Edward joined me in battle. I scratched and bit. He punched and kicked. Alice remained quiescent throughout the whole thing. They were able to pull us apart and take Alice. The nuns kept on saying that she was going to get better. I knew she wouldn't, because there was nothing wrong with Alice.

"Fight back dammit!" I screamed at her as they dragged her through the main doors. That was the last thing I said to her. I regret it. I wish I was able to tell her how much I would miss her, how much I would need her, how I would never forget her.

That was the last time I saw her.

After she left I became more of an introvert than before. The world wasn't happy again and the only life line I had was Edward. He was a more fucked up version of me. I don't remember much of him anymore. All I remember are his kisses and his eyes. Those green vibrant eyes that I would stare at every night I sneaked into his room as he hugged and sang me to sleep.

I remember whispering to his lips one night as we kissed. I had turned seventeen and we hadn't heard of Alice for some time. No one told us news of how "she was doing" anymore. We scared everyone now. Our piercings and tattoos too much for the nuns to stand. I'd woken up from a bad nightmare that I didn't want to talk about. He'd held me until I relaxed and the tears stopped flowing. The need to consume him had overpowered me and I couldn't get enough of his kisses.

"Don't leave me" I whispered.

"Never" he replied.

Things escalated from there. My kisses grew strong and my hands roamed his body until they settled on his hair. His hands never stopped wondering my body. This was way farther than we had ever allowed it to go and I couldn't seem to stop. We twisted and rolled until he was on top of me. His arms supporting most his weight, so as not to crush me. I _wanted_ to feel crushed, consumed, eaten entirely by him. I wanted to nestle in the safe contours of his body and never emerge. I wanted to be his.

"I want to feel your weight on me" My lips moved against his. His body descended slowly on top of mine and I felt every nerve in me come alive. It wasn't until I stared to unbutton my blouse that his movements ceased. The silent message was clear.

"Are you sure?" he whispered and my eyes opened to meet his. I responded wordlessly with a kiss a small hum. I was incapable of words. Most of what happened next is blurry to me. We must have discarded of every article of clothing left because what clearly remember next is the feel of his bare chest against mine. Hid hands entangled in my hair and our pelvises pushing against each other. I felt him slowly descend into me. Our foreheads touching. Our breathing, shallow.

"Look at me" his words were soft against my lips. I opened my eyes.

I remember the small amount of pain that soon mixed in with the intense pleasure that followed. They were laced together, one in greater amount than the other. He was slow, I remember that, and attentive to every moan I made. Making sure it was of pleasure not of pain. It was awkward. We were both new to this. His words were strained and he constantly asked if I was ok. If he was hurting me. Eventually, all I remember is feeling pleasure.

I woke up his fingers tracing patterns on my stomach.

"You snore" he quietly teased.

"Shut up" I replied and kissed him senseless. His hands roamed my body. I wrapped my hands around his waist.

Someone pounded on the door. We froze and I, we, stared at each other for split second. I remember feeling sore as I tried to dress. We were a hurried mess. The shouting outside his room increased. People were demanding entrance. Once we heard the rattle of keys turning inside the lock I grasped his hand and waited for the door to open.

I remember someone screaming. People shouting and telling us to get out. We must have walked to the entrance of the building because I remember bright light. His hand was still strongly intertwined with mine until then. I remember the force of my hold on him. They had to force us apart.

I stopped taking in what was around me then. They couldn't take him away. He was all I had.

Someone screamed then. It was feral and angered. It was mine. They couldn't take Edward away, they just couldn't. I remember the feeling of being latched onto him one last time and then the complete, cold absence of his body for a complete second. It was agony. Until he ran back to me.

"I'll come back for you I swear" His voice was harsh and strong. Thick. There were tears in both our eyes. His lips were hurried and harsh. I wanted them that way.

"Don't go" I wept.

He left.

The year that followed is blank. I don't remember any of it. I turned eighteen, I know that much. That's the year my death certificate marks the end of my time on earth. Except it doesn't end there. Not really. After he left, I was allowed no visitors and I locked down. I got less sleep than when Emmett died. I think that's why I grew careless.

I remember the need to get out, and his voice telling me to stop. _How can I stop when I'm hearing your voice?_ The night was dark and the only light was that of fluorescent poles.

Dark alley.  
Red eyes.  
Sharp Teeth.  
Burning Pain.  
Screams.

These are the things I remember from that night.  
The Night I became I vampire.


	2. Alice, Part 1

******A/N: HAPPY MEMORIAL'S DAY! A day in which kids have no school and they can wake up as late as they want (in most cases)! so here is the next chapter. ****I highly recommend you guys listen to Dreams of Spain by Charo while you read the italicized parts. It fits the mood. I apologize for the wait, I'm learning how to play the guitar and my "band" has a "gig" this week. I've been practicing my ass off. This stuff hasn't been proof read so try to be understanding of any mistakes. Enjoy. **

**For any of you wondering when the next chapter will be up, I've come up with a schedule. I will try and update every weekend. Key word here is TRY. Sometimes i get writter's block, or a scene just doesnt seem right so i delay the writting. Keep in mind I do this so that you guys don't get a shitty chapter. **

**Don't Forget to Click that review Button =]**

**Axena**

* * *

_"Time Will Tell"_

**-X ray Dog, Time Will Tell **

**Alice Part 1**

I don't remember. I don't want to remember. If I remember they will hurt me. The padded walls around me are all that's left, all I need. I chant this as I convince myself that I have to stop seeing his face. I must will it so; if I don't get better then I can't get out. They'll keep me here forever. The thought clouds my mind and I feel my breath hitch. Panic sets in. No, they can't keep me here forever. No! I won't allow it! He needs me! The tears descend and I curl up. My hands shake and soon my body is racked with sobs that make my throat sore.

A buzzer goes off. A door opens. I scramble to a corner.

My breathing is sharper and faster at this point, it always is. I push against the material tying my arms around my torso. I want to escape, the tears come again.

"Now, now Alice, we wont hurt you" One of them croons at me, trying to calm me down. I am beyond that point. They approach and I see them turn into what they really are. Their eyes glow red and I scream. A sudden cry comes inside me. Someone tells me to fight back.

_Fight back dammit!_ That feline voice tells me to and I obey. I thrash against their arms. The men seem to barely put any effort into holding me down. _Am I that weak?_ Listening to voices is all I do anymore. They guide me, the occasional picture sometimes occurs, the visions are clearer than the voices.

_Fight back dammit! _Her voice again, she doesn't want me to give up, wants me to fight. _I can't, I'm so sorry_. I whimper as they carry me down the white sterile hallway. Their arms barely lifting me. I try to calm down, push down the anxiety I know will only make things worse. They enjoy it more when you put up a fight. Their clean and white uniforms make me sick. I spit at one of them. He glares and I recoil. His eyes are red again. His arm moves back and I know I will now be slapped. I wait for the impact that never comes.

"Must you be so harsh?" I open my eyes as the two men exchange words that sound like nursing songs. _Hush Shh Hush Swish SwashHush Shh _their lips barely move.

"It's all in the fight my friend; this one will be my mine soon" I start to tremble. I've heard those words before, when I'd first arrived. Another man was crooning to girl older than me that they would soon have to meet. She owed him. The girl only nodded and tried to stay still as his hands moved throughout her body. I'd been peaking through the door. I never saw the girl after that. That was two years ago. I'm seventeen now. All I hear are voices, and see pictures of things that will soon happen. I always see his face.

"Are you ready Mary?" My eyes snap back to the man in large white coat. His olive skin is familiar and I soon place him within my memories.

"Ah, I see you remember me" His smile is supposed to be comforting. I can't stomach it. I start to tremble and push back. _I want to get out, let me out, please._ My lips tremble.

"Bring her in" The doctor keeps a safe distance from the two men.

"No" I speak up. My voice trembles, and it is pathetic.

"Now Alice, you know this is for your own good" His voice is patronizing. I don't care.

"No…no" I whimper

"Nnn-_no_. No! _noo_ No!" My voice rises to a scream. I kick again. The voice comes back. _Fight back dammit_!

"Hold her down" his voice is strained. He, unlike the other two men has to put some effort into holding me down. Their hands hold down my legs, arms and head. The pain descends throughout my body and I bite my tongue. I can't seem to stop shaking. I scream one last time.

***

I wake up without the arm restraints and turn to see a tray of food placed near the entrance. I can't make myself move fast enough. My stomach roars its demands. The food is gone in mere minutes. They put you into isolation once you've gone through the machines, once you've been unconscious for a while.

I stare at the wall in front of me and suddenly the wall isn't there anymore. It's replaced by a forest. Someone is running. They are fast; the trees are bare blurs of green. I hear his breathing, it's quick and harsh. _Is he tired?_ He turns. I see a building. Someone's screaming. I try to see who it is but can't. I only see what he sees. No more. A body is thrashing and a scream pierces the sky. He turns around and his speed doubles. He makes sounds. It is a second before I realize they are sobs. _Is he running away?_

A scream again.

I have it placed. It's a female and she is pain. He halts. Although I can not understand what she said, it appears he has. He is still and tense. He hears the girl whimper again, this time it's distant and isolated. I see that he is quite far away from her but can still understand what she says. I strain to hear and make out a faint _please_. Is the girl begging him? She screams again and this time it's clear.

_Jasper_

He doubles over and for a moment I am elated. I know his name now. _Jasper_….  
He clutches his hair, I hear him growl. His body turns around and he starts to run in her direction. He is pain. He sees the girl's body; there are tiny fragments of glass sticking to her legs and arms. Her chest is moving rapidly. There is blood everywhere. It surrounds her. He looks at her face. His lips move. He picks her up. She screams.

The murmur of his lips become words.

_I'm sorry  
I'm sorry_  
_I'm sorry  
I'm sorry  
I'm sorry  
I'm sorry  
I'm sorry  
I'm sorry_

He tries to cradle her body. Without pushing the glass. She cries out.

His chant changes.

_Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice_

_Alice_, the wall changes to its original faded white and I feel my lips curve into a frown. _Who is Alice?_ I try to remember anything that might connect me to her and come up blank. I pick at the fake leather beneath me as I try to recall her, sometimes, if I try hard enough, something pops up.

Nothing.  
There are no memories of Alice.

My mind pushes it away and concentrates on what it _does_ know. _His name is Jasper_, I feel my frown disappear into a small smile. _I know his name_ and suddenly I feel much lighter, my muscles relax and I close my eyes, lying back down. _Jasper, Jasper, Jasper, Jasper…_.

"_Jasper, look" I nudged him with my elbow and pointed to the make session between two people. H They seemed to be devouring each others faces. I grimaced and look away. We were sitting in the living room on the home and watching the tv. Their sounds continued to escalate and I was not really enjoying the wet sounds of their mouths coming in constant contact. _

"_You wanna get out of here?"His voice whispers and I almost shiver. He has a small glint in his eyes and I grin back at him. Adventures with Jasper are always fun. _

"_I thought you'd never ask" my voice is overly exaggerated and I get the reply I want, he grins at me. We try to sneak away silently so that Bella won't be embarrassed; the girl looses any notion of time when it comes to Edward's lips. Gross. _

"_I keep getting images of them" my voice is disturbed. Jasper chuckles. Jerk. _

"_When you have your first kiss, it wont be so disgusting" his voice is so sure I almost believe it. Maybe it wont be that bad. _

"_You sure?" I'm not an insecure girl, but I still need reassurance sometimes. _

"_Yes, trust me" _

"_I already do" _

_We reach the end of the hallway in silence and look around before opening the window. It screeches .My body tenses. _

"_What is all that racket….hey!" My eyes grew wide as the voice of sister Ratchet comes floating over to us. _

"_Run!" _

_***_

_I land on the sand with a loud thud! My breath coming in quick gasps as I hear him land next to me, his back leaning on the wooden fence, hands on top of knees. For a while all we do is breath and let the occasional laugh escape. I've never skipped anything before, this was exhilarating. I grin. _

"_What are you so happy about?" he smiles at me, I tilt my head. _

"_Nothing" _

"_Tell me" his foot nudged my knee _

"_I don't wanna" my voice is fake and annoyed. _

_His voice warns me. _

"_Jasper…." I mock him and start to get on knees. _

"_Tell me" he gets up too. _

"_Never!" My scream is loud and I start to run. He has me pinned down in minutes. His hands cage in both of my wrists. I can't help but think of Jasper sucking and licking my neck. Shit. _

"_Mary Alice Cullen, don't you know you can't get away from me?" his voice is breathy but still teasing. His words don't help my mental image. Oh crap. _

"_That's because you're taller than me" Did I just seriously say that? Holy mother-effing-shit. He chuckles and lets me go. His back rolls onto the sand and I feel the cold air hit me. I try to analyze what the hell just happened. Am I supposed to be thinking this way about him? Is it normal? AM I not normal? Ugh. _

"_What's wrong?" His voice is soft and concerned; the tip of his finger turns my face in his direction. I obviously can't tell him about….well the thing. _

"_I don't think I'm ever going to get my first kiss" Well that's as close to the truth as I can get. He would never pay any attention to me; I'm "his little sister". Jesus. Why do I keep using god's name in vain? I am so going to hell. _

"_You will, it's just going to take… time" he seems to hesitate and I push further. _

"_Well, what if I'm no good at it?" For the first time my real concerns come out. _

"_I highly doubt that Alice" I can't decipher his voice but it has taken on a strange tone. _

"_How would you know.." this is getting me depressed. He sits up and pulls me closer. The cold is gone. _

"_Because little foot, you are an amazing girl, you're beautiful and kind and gentle, sweet and so unselfish it's almost bad. There's no way you can be a bad kisser." By the end I am smiling and so is he. _

"_You're perfect" he whispers. Was I supposed to hear that? _

"_Thank you Jasper" I yawn and lean on him. _

"_Sleep little girl" He whispers. I obey. _

_I wake up with a large intake of breath, my eyes pop open, it's dark. Dam, we stayed out here all night? No. I feel the covers on me and the air is not salty. He brought me back, and I slept through it all? Aww man. I missed that? Grumbling I dangle my feet off the bed puling the covers with me. Fresh air calls me._

_I tip toe until I make it to the window. It doesn't protest. Yes! I grab a fistful of the sheet and use my other hand to launch myself onto the fire escape. The metal feels good against my almost burning feet. They barely make a sound as I reach the roof. _

_Sweet Victory._

_I wrap myself in a makeshift cocoon and pull my knees together, the light poles light up and I am no longer in complete darkness. It's nice. _

_He approaches me and I turn to look at him. _

"_Hey" my throat is scratchy and I try to clear it. _

"_Hey" he manages a small smile. _

"_Sleepy yet?" _

"_Nope" We remain silent for a while. My bravery is mounting. _

"_Jasper" my voice is calling. Courage is building. _

"_Yes?" His full attention is on me now. C'mon Alice you can do this! _

"_I was thinking…" my voice drifts off, should I really do this? Heck yes! An inner voice yells. _

"_About?" _

"_Well…you are… I've never…you have experience…. I lack … I was just, you know, __**thinking**__ that well maybe I could….um…well, uh, ah, um, kiss… you" There. It's out. Shit, I must be high on something. My eyes stay glued to the buildings in front of me. No way am I looking at him now. _

"_Alice…" here it comes, I can hear it. His voice is too serious. _

"_Alice…" This time more firm. Ah shit. _

"_Alice, for the love of god look at me!" he doesn't yell but his voice raises. I turn. _

"_Alice, you don't really mean that" His voice is sad. _

_What the fuck?  
Excuse me?  
Well, fuck you. _

"_I'm sorry, What? I don't-I don't really mean that? Who the heck are you to tell me what I do and don't mean?" The anger is unexpected. I never really know how to act around him. He just makes me go in different extremes. He doesn't even seem fazed by my outburst. Jerk. His eyes are unreadable. _

"_You're desperate for a first kiss and I am your safest bet, you know I wont leave you, you're too important to me so unconsciously, you __**think**__ you want to kiss me but you just want something solid" He sounds so calm, it kills me a little inside. I can't speak. I can't swallow. No… no! I refuse to cry! No! don't you dare cry! My jaw tenses and I blink rapidly. He moves towards me. _

"_Alice, I know how you feel-"_

_His arm almost surrounds me when I can finally speak up. _

"_Jasper don't you dare touch me."_

"_Alice-"_

"_No, Where the fuck do you get off telling me what __**I feel?**__ Who the hell do you think you are? Huh? Who? Just because you've known me for couple of fucking years you think you've got me figured out? I was being __**honest**__ with you right now, __**I wanted you to kiss me**__, you could've politely said no but you" I shove my finger into his chest. _

"_you …you.." the anger is gone and I feel weak. My body wants to fall but it can't, I won't let it. I need to get away. I can't-I can't cry in front of him. No. _

"_Just-Just leave me- leave me alone, please" one tear falls and I run down the stair case, my knee scrapes badly but I don't seem to register the pain. The other pain overshadows everything. It is dull and deep, but at the same time fresh and raw. Not cured with a simple pill, no amount of disinfectant will kill the virus eating slowly at it. No, not today. I shut the window with a bang and run to my bed. _

_Who the fuck do you think you are Jasper Whitlock? _

I gasp and wipe the tears off my eyes. I don't know what to make of this dream. My mind is blank; no thoughts come forth, nothing. The two men come in and take me to the dinning room. The day passes uneventfully and by the time I get into bed I don't have time to think about it. The tiny rose-colored pill starts to take its effect. I concentrate on the darkness. I slip away.

_I feel time pass as the scene changes, something has shifted. I feel hollow. More so than before. _

_A girl is in front of me. Her hair is brown and she is coming towards us, only then do I realize I'm surrounded by people. A boy puts his arm around her body. His hair is the color of copper. I look away. When I hear her sniff my head turns back. I am not scared of her piercings and the heavy eyeliner she has on. I want to hug her but can't move. What she has said makes my legs feel like lead. _

_Someone is dead. I don't hear her saying it but I can feel the way my body reacts. I start to fall but he catches me. I want to scream, yell, shout, and tell him to get off me, put me down, and insult him. Make him feel half the pain that I am slowly being consumed by but I can't. My body wants to shut down. I recognize it is because of the death of that boy. He cradles me against his chest and I see a silent conversation go on between the copper head boy and Jasper. Finally, I feel his body move. We are getting farther and farther away from the living room. I hear the girl cry and scream. A drop falls on me. Jasper is crying too. Masochistically, I want to hug him. I refuse my body to even acknowledge the want. _

_He settles me on a bed and my body curls on its own. He walks around the bed and places his head at eye level with mine. His hand traces the outline of my face. I snap. How dare he touch me after all he has done? Does he get off the pain I feel? _

_My hand slaps his face. I leave a red mark. He doesn't protest. I feel even angrier. My hand comes in contact with his cheek again. The red is even more prominent this time. I want him to say something. My hits become more frequent and soon my body is moving, getting closer and closer to him. My fits hit his chest repeatedly. There is so much anger. Somehow, I realize that this won't help anything; this won't bring the boy back. I slow down and start to cry. He pulls me against him, like before, I don't fight back. _

_His lips touch my forehead. My eyes widen before I shove him away. When I look up, his eyes are hurt. _

"_Jasper don't, please, it hurts too much" my voice cracks. For some reason his silence makes me go on. I want to explain, and I realize that I don't want him to hurt. I still love him. I let out a dry, humorless laugh. _

"_Even after all this time, after everything you said. I…." Another laugh "I still want to…. To, __**explain**__ things to you….. I don't want to see you hurt." God I'm pathetic. I fall to the floor. His hands lift my chin and when I finally look at his eyes, they are filled with frantic worry. I am not able to feel anything. _

"_I love you" it blurts out of his lips and instead of making me feel better, his words make the wound deepen. _

"_No" I hear my voice. _

" _Alice, I have always-" I cut him off. _

"_No, you don't" _

"_Alice, I do" His voice is stern. His teeth are clenched. I don't know what to believe. He could be telling the truth. He could be lying only to make me feel better. My heart doesn't want to go through that. _

"_I can't trust you anymore" That's as close to an explanation as I can get. I can't form any more words. He seems desperate. His eyes are worried. In a flash, I feel his lips touch mine. They move against mine, trying to bring them to life. He continues to massage my lips and I fight with the urge to kiss him back and crying. The tears win out. He feels them and pulls away. I see realization touch his eyes. He seems to finally get it. _

"_Oh God,… I'm sorry…" He can't even get the words out. His jaw trembles and he tries to place a small distance between us. I whimper. _

"_I'm so sorry Alice" His voice is deep with anguish and I try to speak. I must also apologize. I ruined out friendship and turned it into __this__. Whatever the hell it is. _

"_Me too" I cry. The words are sad and inadequate. We stay this way. No words. I can't rush to soothe him and I won't let him touch me, it would be too difficult to refuse him now. Someone calls trough the door and his eyes snap up to mine. He is asking for permission, he doesn't want to leave. I don't understand. I swallow before giving a small nod. _

_I watch his body rise and walk to the door. His whole form is tense and he turns around once before pushing the door open. He fades._

My eyes open slowly and I blink, sending a few tears down the sides of my cheeks.

"Little Mary, don't cry" I jump and try to pull away, but the man's grasp is too strong. I push away from him, only to have his arms press more tightly around my body.

"Shhh, Shhh, we'll get out of here soon" I want to scream but my throat is frozen with fear. His hands move against my hair and I clench my eyes shut. I don't want him to touch me.

"What the fuck do you think your doing?" I hear the other man's voice speak up. And the man holding me freezes. His grasp tightens even more. I whimper in pain.

"She's mine, you can't take her away" His voice hold traces of fear.

"She's _food _Gabriel" The other man is angry, but before he can continue, Gabriel jumps towards the window. The other man is faster and pulls him down. The man looses his grip on me.

I crash trough the glass.


	3. Alice, Part 2

**AN: Holy shit guys......i saw the peak of the New Moon trailer on MTV and i gots to say that.......I am pretty fucking impressed with what Cris Weitz.....or however you spell his name, can do. Seeing Taylor Lautner turn into a werewolf was just simply amazing. And his body looked sooooo hot too, he is dam sexy in my book. :D The way Twilight kept getting almost all of the awards got me laughing. And then the-almost-kiss between Kristen and Rob was _funny! _I suggest you go watch it on youtube or something if you didnt get to see it on TV.  
****  
So here is part two of ALICE I don't know if i did a good job with what type of music Alice would listen to ( or how i portrayed Jasper... das right he is in this chapter, lol) . .......recomend any songs? If you do, leave it in a review...... **

Oh i am so slick right.....right? _Right. _lol

**This is getting kinda long so I'll cut it short. or as short as I can get.....i tend to ramble sometimes. I hope you enjoy. **

**Before i tune out dudes and dudettes out there..... how many of you _actually_ read this stuff? you do know you can review even if you dont have an account right? and it would mean so mucht to me! not that, that really makes any difference but you know...it was a good try. =]**

**Oh! that brings out another topic, shout out to Slowlydieing (hopefully i spelled that right)** **for reviewing every chapter, she rocks! and thank you for the advice too by the way. =D So i asked her if i should send out sneak peaks to people when they reviewed and for her personally she sad she wouldnt like it. (if i put you on the spot there, i am sooo sorry :[ ) **

**If you want a sneak peak leave a review telling me that you would prefer one, if not then i wont send one. **

**p.s. shout out to the person who left an anonymos ( i can't spell for shit) ****review! I know who you are cause we go to the same school but still! you rock =D**

**Axena. **

* * *

_"Unholy Confessions"_

**-Avenged Sevenfold, Unholy Confessions**

**Alice, Part 2**

The sky is dark; the tree branches hide the moon from time to time. I blink repeatedly every few minutes. I try to identify what changed because it's apparent something _has_, I _feel_ different. The moon is brighter, the trees are lively, the chirping of birds is amplified and I seem to glow every time the moon hits a spot of my skin. Everything has _improved_. My hands caress the small hairs that cover my head. _It's so soft_. Overpowered by an urge to know what I look like my hands begin roam over my features, everything is so _smooth_. Accidently I press my fingers over the cover of my eyes too hard. It doesn't hurt.

My head jerks to my right as the sound of hoofs pounding on soft earth comes near. Involuntarily I breath in, the smell is mouth watering. I feel liquid pool into my mouth, it resembles saliva but it is thicker and the taste is off. The sounds get closer and I tense. I seem to be waiting for something, or at least, my body is. The aroma is too strong, my feet push off the ground and jump in the air, I hear the deer give a startled cry before I land on it, his rib cage is fractured. My breathing is quick as I break its neck; a deep growl starts to build inside my chest. _This is taking too long_. My fingers claw at it and I feel my throat constrict and formulate a cry of bliss, my mouth bends down and I start to suck. Even after the blood has clotted and is no longer tasteful I continue to move my mouth against the animals' jugular. The thirst is lightly sedated and the fog that had previously taken over seems to clear up.

My shirt sticks to my chest as I get up and what I see as I look down makes my mouth open in a sort of shock but my throat is too constricted to even scream. Small noises are escaping through my mouth until finally, I release a deep cry. Animals disappear; I can _hear_ my own solitude. There is absolute silence. I pull at the fabric with barely any effort and it rips off my body. Despite the draft I feel as the air hits my now naked body I don't feel cold. My body bends, my arms cover my stomach, I dry heave. The pain starts to build deep inside me and a small pathetic sob escapes. The tears I expect never come.

Momentarily distracted my hands reach up to touch my cheeks; they tremble as they move over my eyes. _Where are the tears_? _Where, Where, Where, Where are, Wh-_

"Where are they!" I feel my mind slip, it's crumbling. It doesn't want to hold on.

Abruptly my vision is covered with the face of a man and this quiets me for a second. His eyes stare back, his lips are moving but I don't understand what he is trying to say. My cries settle and my mind concentrates on his face. I reach out to touch him but his face disappears and I fall on my knees. He was what I needed. I breathe in quick sharp gasps until my hands stop shaking. My conscience once again straightens out. There are no more hysterical cries. I refrain from looking the dead animal in front of me.

It would be too much.

Instead, I rise and start to move away from the small clearing. I force my body to place one foot in front of the other, no looking back. My feet move faster and soon my jog turns into a run. I slow down enough to notice a clearing ahead. It's a lake. Without thinking twice I jump in. Reflexively I hold my breath and move my arms around me as my legs kick in the water. I rise to the surface with a gasp while my fingernails begin to scratch at the skin on my arms and legs.

There is so much blood.

I plunge underneath again and open my eyes. Surprisingly, they don't sting. I stay seated on the dirt floor concentrating on the laps of movement above me. _Back and forth back and forth._ The steady rhythm is seductively soothing. I stay under for what seems to be hours.

Eventually, the sun rises. My skin sparkles as the rays that penetrate the water hit me. I rise to the surface, push myself off the water and start walking down a small worn path. There are fresh footprints here. _Humans_. The thought sneaks up before I can stop it but I concur. I can't be human anymore. My face rises to the sky and sniffs the air. _Burning wood_. I try to listen for any heartbeats but hear none. My feet inch closer. The heat of the ashes has no effect on me. I can't feel it.

My eyes dart back and forth around the small camping space. There are pieces of clothing discarded in a small pile outside a tent. I rush forward and pick up the garments. With a small look back I rush into the thick trees once again. Once I am in the safety of the trees I pick up the small shirt. My movements are slow as I lift it over my head; my hands remember the way the white gown ripped under minimal pressure.

The clothes are loose as they fall over me, or maybe I'm just too small. The pants are too long. My hands make quick work of the rough material until they are no longer covering my toes. _There._ Somehow the methodical task of dressing myself gives me a feeling of freedom, a feeling of choice. I relish it. I don't let my mind wander as the rips and shreds of cloth are adjusted to fit my figure, I don't want to think right now… about anything. Once I'm dressed my mind moves on to the next priority on my list.

Food.

Surprisingly the hunger is back, not as strong as before (I don't let it over power me this time) but still potent enough that I can't ignore it for long. I move farther away from the camp site, I have a feeling that I will ravenously feed again and who knows what my happen then. In a matter of seconds I can no longer hear or smell any trace of the burning wood. I let myself go.

My breathing is sharper this time and I feel a tinge of excitement come over me. _The prey_ _is right there_. My movements are agile and if anything, maybe even graceful. Now alerted to my presence, by what I presume to be its survival instinct the bear is easing away from the tree I am sitting on top of. His movements are tense, anxious, and feral in their anger. _He doesn't like to feel cornered._ I smile but I don't know why.

It all happens very fast then, I pounce on his back and he roars out a shriek. His thrashes send me below him as he falls back trying to pry me off. I feel monumental pity for him but the _hunger_…. The hunger! My hands twist his neck and in a matter of seconds his body is limp on top of mine. I push him off and claw at his neck, I don't use my teeth. Once the opening is big enough I mouth descends.

_100 years later_

I am strangely proud of my work, not one drop hit my shirt as it lay on the ground next to me. I hunted with my shirt off now, it made it easier to clean off the grime but I wanted to try it with my clothes on. It made me feel a bit more normal, well, as normal as a 100 year old vampire can be. I still look the same and my eyes are now a golden brown instead of the fiery red I saw once I was able to finally look at my reflection.

One hundred _years_. One hundred. One zero zero. My god. I marveled at the idea of it all as I stood outside the building that had once held me captive because of how different I was. It was strange how traces of fear still settled into my stomach once I entered the now, new and improved mental facility. I still feared _their_ red eyes popping out and holding me down in order to send shockwaves after shockwaves of electro –shock-therapy as I cried in pain. I was indestructible for god sakes! The fear was irrational but even as I tried to convince myself of this, it stayed. People feared my eyes for some reason. Not people, my prey. Every time they looked into my eyes they would beg for mercy or forgiveness. I always told them I wasn't in the position to provide either.

I didn't like going out into the "modern" world. It made me uneasy; I wanted to confines of the thick forests, where I could escape at a moment's notice and go undetected. That wasn't possible in the streets. I had to keep a human pace, and the days had to be cloudy or else I would _definitely _blow whatever cover I had on at the time. Sparkling skin isn't necessarily subtle when walking amongst thousands of humans.

This rant was getting me nowhere and people where starting to look at me, they kept their safe distance, as always, but they were whispering to one another.

"Who's that girl.....?"  
"My god she is fucking hot….."  
" Why is she just standing there….."  
"So beautiful……"

I glowered at the comments of a horny teenager and smiled at the sweet observation of an old man sitting next to his wife. I would have to go in or they would soon start to approach me and _that_ I couldn't handle. I didn't want to kill an innocent couple.

My feet barely made a sound as they pressed down on each concrete step. The door became closer and closer and with a long sigh I finally opened it. The sterile smells of Clorox assaulted me but I was slightly thankful, aromas of blood would be bad, very bad. I didn't want a repeat of the time I had killed my first human.

I looked back to make sure Mike-the-horny-receptionist had gone back to his post and then started to look for the file that had been assigned under _Mary Alice Cullen_. Apparently, that was my name when I'd been brought in. Flipping through the "C" section I saw it.

_Mary Alice Cullen_

The name stared back at me in bold letters, they were printed and neat. _Everyone belongs in a category after all_, my lips curved up as they considered the words of Plato. How right he was.

I moved my eyes over the page and let out a small whistle. It was a little scary to look at myself so objectively, as if I wasn't that person anymore. _But you're not_. A small voice said inside me. The sounds of silence were suddenly replaced by the sounds of howls. The walls and cabinets changed next. I was now in a forest.

A growl.  
A roar.  
Crack of thunder. No, not thunder.  
Crack of bodies.  
The rain pours down heavily. A female retreats… she moves back. A man, no, _he_ moves closer. The trees, so many trees.

His lips move.

She is growling at him. Her eyes are dangerous. Another roar escapes before she lunges herself at the male vampire. Her hair is short. It's inky black. Her eyes are a golden brown. His eyes are red.  
She is me.  
I'm the girl in the picture.

Mike the horny boy is shaking me. Asking me if I'm okay. My heads repels the distance, he is too close.

"I'm fine, I'm fine" I need to get out. The place is relatively small for a vampire and his aroma is starting to fog the place. I let him help me up and once he turns around I stash the file inside my bag. No one needs to know about Mary Alice Cullen anymore. She's dead.

Mike walks me to the entrance of the hospital and says goodbye. He tries to stand close but I see he is afraid and naturally he hurries back to his desk. I can smell the fear on him. My steps are hurried for a human and for any close my stander it would seem like I was power walking. I must look ridiculous.

The vision keeps on replaying itself in my eyes. I feel my limbs shake as they take each step. _Who ever heard of a vampire feeling weak?_ I'm going to confront him and….what? I won't be happy to see him? I don't even know _who he is_. He's been on my mind ever since I first saw him, but who in the hell is he? Vampires must still get headaches because I feel my brain keep a steady pulse as I move one foot in front of the other towards the small dinner near the woods.

The small tinkle of the bells as I enter alerts the small personnel that a customer is there. The small dinner is almost deserted and while they consider it bad business, I consider it good luck. I wouldn't be able to be around many humans right now. My booth is away from the window and when the waiter approaches me I order black coffee. It's the easiest to vomit.

I massage my forehead making routine circles over my temples. The pounding seems to lessen and I remove my knuckles. I breathe in and that's when I become aware there is someone standing in front of me. He smells good. I look up.

His eyes scare me but it's a nervous scare. Not a frightened one, despite the fact that his eyes are red. How can he be so careless?

"Well don't just stand there, people are starting to stare" my voice is low but being the thing that he is, he can hear it quite perfectly. My hands are shaking. I push them together and squeeze. His movements are graceful and the chair barely makes a sound as he sits down upon it. It's odd seeing such a big man be so graceful. He must be at least a foot taller than me.

"Are you ok?" His question catches me off guard and I quickly look back at him.

"Um Yeah why?" Can he notice the slight tremble in my voice?

"You seen scared" He seems to be laughing, it's infuriating.

"And now you're angry" I grit my teeth to keep from growling.

"Now you're furious" The laughter is evident now.

"Stop that" I choke out.

"Would you like me to calm you down?" His eyes are serious but his voice holds humor. _How does a person do that?_ I look him over and nod stiffly. After a second my anger seems to slowly disintegrate, I begin to feel calmer. My muscles relax and my mouth becomes slack. I ease into my chair.

"_Wow, _how did you do _that_?" My voice is amazed and a bit awed.

"I can control emotions; I'm not too sure on the technicalities of how though." He doesn't seem to brag. Is it a sort of gift? His back is leaning on the chair and his legs are spread apart. He seems to be lounging on the chair.

"How does it work?" My voice is too curious and eager and my body leans in; I couldn't hide it even if I wanted to. He can feel what I feel. His eyes are concentrating on me. I squirm.

"Sorry I made you uncomfortable… you're just too interesting…" His voice drifts off and I clear my throat. His eyes snap back to mine.

"Well, I'm not too sure, as I've said, but I feel what a person feels. Their emotions, love, hunger, happiness, sadness, apathy… It helps when I'm feeding. I don't want my food to feel scared. I can relax them enough so that they don't die in pain." _Ah, so he finally said it, and here is were we part._ The way he speaks of humans makes me wary of who he is, what type of vampire he has become. He almost reminds me of them. Involuntarily I feel the fear creep up on me. I try to erase it; I don't want him to think he is the cause of my alarm. He doesn't disappoint.

"Would you like me to leave?" His voice is…sad? I frown.

"No…"

"But you're scared." He seems confused and in a second his face mirrors mine. Utter looks of confusion. It could be funny.

"No, I'm not scared of _you_…" I say the words slowly and we both know there is more to that sentence than the words that are spoken.

"You are scared of……?" his face leans forward and his hands gesture in front of him. He wants me to elaborate.

"Certain people…" I hesitate.

"But not me" he finishes.

"No, not you…."

***

I keep a rhythmic beat with the soles of my feet. My hands are under my legs and my body is automatically leaning forward. _2 hours_. Two hours and the most we've talked about is what he and I can do. For god sakes I don't even know the man's name! He seems closed off but who am I to judge exactly? _It's not like you can actually make friends you know. They all die before you do._

I can hear the tips of his fingers beat against the side of his chair. This is getting boring. I was always a sucker for fun and this man isn't going to ruin that. My tongue clicks away against my teeth and I don't even spare him a glance. I know it's rude but c'mon he must be at least 90 years old, he can control hs thirst around humans. The man must have _some_ social skills. _Look who's talking, you're 100 years old and the most you can come up with is the fact you feed on animals?_ _Why can't I talk to him?_ Because every time I looked into those eyes, the intensity scares me off. I felt inadequate. That was even more confusing.

At least he wasn't controlling my emotions….

I pulled my back pack from the floor and rifled through the pockets until I had the small device that had about 5G of space….all for good music.

"Put this on your ear" I held the ear phone between to fingers and extended it out to him. We were stuck in here until night. The sun had decided to come out. Wooptido.

"I know what a head set is"

"Oh good"

The wire wasn't as long as I had expected and it forced out heads to pull towards each other. _Oh…he smells better up close. _All vampires do though. The closer to the source, the better things are.

I press shuffle and I place my head over my arms.

"_It is the evening of the day  
I sit and watch the children play  
Smiling faces I can see  
But not for me  
I sit and watch  
As tears go by" _

This song is relaxing. I can almost pretend that I am sleeping.

"_My riches can't buy everything  
I want to hear the children sing  
All I hear is the sound  
Of rain falling on the ground  
I sit and watch  
As tears go by"_

We sit and listen to my iPod until the last waitress tells us to leave.  
Things are messier than they were this morning. I don't know much of anything about this guy but I do know one thing.

I'm going to find out more.

* * *


	4. A Better Place, A Better Time

**AN: Heeeeeeeeeey, so this is early. I was on a role today. woooOooooO! right so, this is only slightly proof read. It's sort of filler explaining some things. I hope you enjoy......? This is Bella again, Rosalie will be coming soon.... i hope i do her justice *nerveous look* I have been contemplating the thought of writting the guys point of view. I've never done it before and i want it to sound good so I'm still giving it some thought. If anyone knows and _enjoys_ how to write guys POV, PM or leave review saying so. I would like to write it because i feel it would be way cooler to have their POV too....and i feel that i wouldnt do it justice so.....**

**Anyone interested?**

**Axena**

* * *

**  
**_"A better place, A better time"_

**_-_Streetlight Manifesto, A better place a Better Time**

**Bella**

The leaves move lazily through my hands as the wind makes them rise and fall through my fingers. This graveyard is no longer taken care of and that's why the leaves have transformed, they are about 2 feet deep now. Good cover when I want to hunt here. Homeless people don't make for such a good meal so I stick to animals…most of the time. But sometimes the urge is too much. I try to attack the bad guys. The guys would have attacked a female like me if I were human, brown hair, golden-orangey eyes, pale skin, and fit figure. It's all in the looks; it's what attracts them to us. We look fragile. I hurt them because of what they did to her. I don't really remember her but I know that she started the descent of our group. Maybe that's why I resent her; she caused my brother so much pain. Or maybe I'm just a whinny teenager, angry that the fairy tale fantasy ended 100 years ago and hasn't been the same ever since. No matter how much she fucking tries.

I sigh.

No matter whom I meet along the way and how many vampires I join their faces will still be there, engraved in my mind. Most of the time I can't help but make comparisons, everyone I meet tries to please me and that makes it harder to really know who they are. They all try to be like them, especially after I come forth with the whole story…or as much as I remember anyways. Some girls try to be like…

"No!" my voice is harsh. The anger is mainly at me, I've forgotten her name again. It is too hard to remember when human memories are so _unclear_, so fussy and seen through weak human eyes. The images are blurry when I try to recall any of their faces. Except for one, his face is the most defined out of all of them, copper hair, green eyes, black clothing, and piercings all over with the occasional tattoo. Him, I could recognize anywhere. The others are blurring, maybe I didn't interact enough with them, and maybe I didn't converse enough. Or they just didn't leave the impact Edward and Emmett did.

Who Knows? They're all dead now anyways. No use in crying over spilled milk…..or in this case, dead people.

Did I ever really mourn any of them?

Days go by where I am consumed by these thoughts, living in your head can get pretty boring, animals stay away but the passerby drunk usually pokes me to see if I'm alive. I like to creep him out. It's sinister but when you have the rest of time to spend alone, you grasp at whatever comes your way because you know no matter how many people you meet **they** will never be replaced. And I haven't learned to let go.

I wasn't really good at that…ever.

Maybe that's why I let people reach out to me, to see if I have accepted the fact that I will never see them again. Every time I come close something goes wrong and I realize I'm still looking. Even for the girl I resent. _Rosalie_ that was her name, I smile at my memory and list off their names.

I told you, letting go has never been easy for me. Even after 100 years.

_Edward  
Alice  
Jasper  
Rosalie  
Emmett_

Good, I haven't completely forgotten.

I lay right in front of my tomb. The grave stone is fragile so I avoid touching it but I trace the ends of my fingers over the finely engraved letters of their graves with my eyes. Funny, they should put us all next to each other… funny that there are no bodies inside those coffins.

They never found any.

Apparently Alice ran away… at least that's what I heard. They pronounced her dead the day they found the broken window. I'd been away; the first year in the vampire world had been upsetting. The moment I had woken up the thirst clouded every thought, every emotion…all my intentions were focused on the prey.

I was in a city; my maker had left me for dead in an alley. I caused what was thought to be the work of a serial killer. One death, they look for motive, two deaths they look for connections, three? They assume serial killer. They don't need rhyme or reason for death. That's what I was. My killings were in no way connected. I didn't even distinguish between good or bad. I just needed to sedate the fucking _thirst_. Eventually I calmed down and when I did the fucking memories came flooding in. I could've done well enough without those. I thought them to be alive. I wanted them to be. At least then I would've known they were ok.

The first memory was of me tripping on…ground with my face landing in a cake. I'd been celebrating a birthday it appeared and well I had tripped. People had laughed; I remember that and a little girl had helped me clean up. It wasn't until I found her file among the many unsolved cases inside the precinct that I knew her name. _Alice_. She'd been pronounced dead. I don't know why I destroyed her file.

I did it but I don't know why.

Maybe I didn't want any reminder of my life because I knew that I would never be able to join them. The girl had to be 28 years old when I started looking and she was missing… what were the chances of finding her alive? Police were constantly wrong and I knew I'd have a better nose for that kind of stuff. I was a good tracker. Or I thought myself to be anyways.

I remembered Edward only because I had seen his name attached to hers. _Cullen_. They were siblings and then I knew they had arrived together into my life. They arrived while I was living in the foster home, but since I had only remembered Alice, my thoughts were focused around her only. I had little to know intention of finding out more about Edward. If I didn't remember him, he wasn't that important right?

Oh how wrong I was.

I'd gone to the foster home in order to find out more about her, maybe then I could piece together why it had hurt so much to know that she was missing. I'd worn glasses to hide part of my face and wore a wig so that I wouldn't be so recognized. I'd only been 10 years, there was bound to be someone who remembered if they saw me. I'd pretended to be pregnant. I'd told one of the nurses that I was going to get rid of my baby; pregnant teenager was a big no no in my family I'd said. An old nurse had smiled kindly and led me to each room, telling me about all the rooms and how they took care of the kids very well here. Eventually she left me alone.

I wandered to the top floor; she said kids had lived there once because the home had been so crowded then, no one touched those floors now, there was no need for them. That is exactly were her aroma was the strongest. Alice had lived there. I felt like jumping for joy! The first clue to something, I was finally getting somewhere.

After looking around the girls' rooms I started to explore further. Girls shared a room but there were a few that had their own. I discovered my scent in one of the individual rooms. Strange thing was, it wasn't in the girls' side of the home. I had decided that was as much information as I was going to get when I'd sniffed something so faint but mouthwatering that I rushed back up. I didn't really care if a person was there. I would feed; the scent was too exquisite to pass up. It took me some time to recognize that it was my own.

What the hell was I doing in the boys' side of the dorm?

I rushed into the small space quickly, not wanting to let the perfume leave the contained space. It was so good. I laid my back against the door and breathed deeply. It was divine. After a few seconds I detected that what made the aroma was enticing wasn't only mine. It was mixed in with someone else's. I started to separate the two and once I was finally able to distinguish clearly the memory hit me. I slid down the door with a loud thud. The memory was unexpected.

The sounds assaulted. My eyes only saw darkness at first.

It was a pair of panting people. There were wet sounds of lips crashing against lips and hips rocking. I couldn't move. The memory was consuming and all I was able to control was how much I let it overcome me. Fabric was moved aside and the thud of bed springs made my body fill with heat.

Then the vision became less blurry. I heard myself gasp but I was miles away now and only concentrated on the scene behind my eyes. _It was me._ I was panting and I could see the perspiration that was starting cover both our bodies. The more we moved the more the sheets slid down his body.

And that's when I recognized him.

Copper hair, pale, lean boy…hovering and crashing into mine.  
Oh god.  
Edward.

"_Edward_" I could hear my voice whispering his name only because I was too consumed by his lips on my shoulder to manage a higher volume. I could almost feel the way his lips moved against _my_ neck. Not only the me in the memory but _me_, the girl seeing it. It was pure bliss when I heard him moan with me….and then the memory faded.

I opened my eyes stunned. My breathing was normal but I couldn't close my mouth, it was left slightly ajar and I licked my suddenly drip lips. I ran a hand through my hair and stood up.

I was shaking. My body felt on fire but it was pleasant and I was now more aware of everything around me. I breathed in deeply once more and moaned. His scent was _everywhere_. I walked to bed and pushed the sheets against my nose and breathed him in. Basked in his smell.

It was soothing.  
Suddenly my mission to find only one became two.  
I needed to see him, only if from far away. I needed to see how he had aged.  
I needed to find him.

With new found determination I descended the stairs, a now neatly folded bed sheet tucked inside my bag. It was comical but I needed it. Needed a reminder, no matter how masochistic it may be. It wasn't until I saw a different person at the counter that I realized my time spent up there had been longer than I had originally planned. Time was relative when you were a vampire.

It was easy to convince the teenager to let me in to the record room.

. . .

The files spread out before me on the outdated wooden table, Edward, Alice, and finally me, Bella. It was ridiculously clear now that Edward obviously meant something to me. There were file notes, depicting every detail of how I spent my days here. The mention of a boy named Emmett was almost in every file after I turned six. What was he to me? I got up and searched under "M" until I found it. I opened the file and laid it out next to mine.

**Emmett McCarty **

He was here four years before me. I closed my eyes as I felt excruciating pain settle deep inside my skull.

"_Why are you crying?" a small voice called out to me. A head popped out from the top of the bed. His hair hanged around his face. I sniffed twice and looked back at him. _

"_I want…" I swallowed "I want….my mommy!" I needed to see her! Where was she! I heard the boy drop onto the floor with a thump. I giggled. He looked silly. He grinned back at me. He moved until he was under the bed with me and crouched so low that his chin was on top of his knees._

"_Do you know where she is?" his voice was small; his chin was pressed against his arms now. _

"_No-o-o" I felt my lip tremble and bit it._

"_I don't know where my mommy or daddy is either" it made me feel better. _

"_You don't?" my voice was high pitched. _

"_Nope" His head turned and he looked at me. _

"_You shouldn't cry, it doesn't make you look pretty" I smiled but frowned when I saw him crawl out. Was he going to leave? I didn't want him to! _

"_C'mon what are you still doing under there?" his voice was exasperated and he held his hand out. It was chubby. I put mine in his and he pulled until I was out. I started to laugh. _

"_What?" he frowned, I pointed to his clothes. They were covered in dust!_

"_You're dirty! I'm gonna tell!" my voice was taunting until he pointed at me and started laughing too. I looked down and saw that mu clothes were gray covered in spots. I giggled. He pulled my hand. _

"_Were we going?" we started running. _

"_To do something fun!" He skipped and started to run. I bounced beside him. _

After that the more I read over the files the more things started to piece together. Soon enough Jasper's and Rosalie's fie were spread out before me and I stayed reading over every single piece of information I could find. The guy came in, Taylor was tag name, and asked me to leave. He stayed while I put each file away. I wanted to take them with me. At least I wanted to keep mine. They would notice if seven files were gone.

At least I still had the blanket.

I opened my eyes and smiled at the cloudy sky, I was only able to come to this cemetery on cloudy or rainy days. My skin would sparkle if I was out in the open sun. The blanket had lost a lot of its aroma by now but I made sure that I could preserve some of it. I rarely took it out now, I didn't want to loose that scent.

Ever.

I stopped looking for Alice when I hit my 90th year. She had to be dead by then, missing person or not. I never looked for Emmett of Rosalie because I knew they were dead, I remembered it and their files had also mentioned the year of their death. I stopped searching for Edward when I went to the hospital. I was trying to find some blood in order to avoid killing another human. The fear in their eyes was making me regret their deaths and a guilty conscience was the last thing I needed on my mind. I liked to riffled through peoples papers by then and I'd come across his purely by accident.

I hadn't lost hope of finding either one of them at that point yet. It's only been 20 years, the possibility that they were still alive held some truth, and they were only 38 years old. For some perverse reason I liked to look under the names of people that had died. It made me less sad. I flipped through about 20 files trying to find something interesting when the category of "INFLUENZA" popped up. I was interested in the statistics so I opened it up. It was a single list (pages long) of all the people that had died because of it. I frowned at the year. I had been a vampire by then but had no recollection of the massive epidemic?

With a small shrug I started to look through the names. My eyes froze when they arrived at "C". There weren't many names that started with the third letter of the alphabet admitted to this hospital during that time. It couldn't be a mistake. His name stared out at me and I felt like crying. But the tears wouldn't come, and they never would.

**Edward Cullen **

I felt like a fool. All this time I'd spent looking for him and he was _dead_. I'd periodically received memories that showed the progression of our relationship. The love I had felt for him had reawakened. And now he was gone. The file slipped from my hands and I fled the room.  
I ran until I was deep in the forest.

Now 80 years after the fact I was able to look at the event objectively but the wound still hurt like a fresh burn. I'd learned to detach myself of his memories because I couldn't stop thinking about him. I _wouldn't,_ I couldn't allow myself to and I had the shitty luck of being a vampire. They always remembered everything in great detail. I wouldn't be able to rid him of my thoughts even if I had wanted to.

I opened my eyes once more, looked over at our graves and noticed for the first time that we had all died at relatively the same age.

A ghost of a smile spread over my lips.  
We would remain seventeen forever.


	5. Jasper, Part 1

**READ THIS! ****READ THIS! ****READ THIS! ****READ THIS! ****READ THIS! ****READ THIS! ****READ THIS! ****READ THIS! ****READ THIS! ****READ THIS! ****READ THIS! ****READ THIS! ****READ THIS! ****READ THIS! **

******************************************************Hey people, please be gentle when you decide to review this, its my first time writting a guys POV (for those of you who read the previous author note, i did decide to write it, so here it is). I just said....the hell with it....and wrote what came to my mind. I dont know if i did a good job, but quite frankly, while i think the _idea_ is good, i believe the writting sucks bananas....this is why i need a beta. *sigh* . So i repeat, be gentle. It's a first for me okay? If you feel the absolute need to tell me how much i should just quit writting...go ahead....but write down what i need to improve in the process alright? **

**thank you.**

**I _am_ a little exited to post this up but it's more nerves than anything. Btw you should listen to the song written down there. Hypnotize is quite amazing and it fueled my writting. Check it out, get something positive out of this chapter. Some good music :D. If it's too femenine and i should take it down......please tell me so!.... i might not listent to you but if enough people review saying so....i will.**

**p.s. if ayone is still interested in writting the guys pov review or pm. thanks. **

**Last goodbye.  
Read on. Review. Try to Enjoy.  
Here we go. **

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"_Propaganda leaves us blinded_"

**-System of a Down, Hypnotize**

**Jasper, Part 1 **

Her tear rimed face haunted me every time I closed my eyes, every time I killed a poor innocent soul. Everything I did was for a victory that felt forever in the horizon but was never within my grasp. A fucking war I could not get out of. Yet I did it all for her. I don't know if what I felt for that tiny piece of a woman was love, though I'd told her as such, but something was _there_, intense enough to be close to the word and the emotion behind it. The potential was _there_, but it was festering inside us, not being let out. This thing, this _feeling_ was caged by insecurities and morals that love had no qualms about but that we had been raised with. It was strange that I feel such emotions for a person younger than me. True, she wasn't young by that many years and I'd heard of couples with age gaps larger than ours but the doubt was still there. Rotting something that should have flourished. If only I was able to allow the feelings to course through me when she had told me that she wanted me to kiss her.

If only I hadn't fucked up so badly.

She had wanted my lips on hers. Her way of requesting such a thing was unorthodox and maybe that's why I'd dismissed it as some teenage crush. That she didn't really feel half of what I did. My anger had been unjustified. To this day I can't explain away the coldness in my voice, the reasonable and patronizing tone I'd use with her n order to explain things _I_ didn't even fully comprehend.

I'd been too ready to dismiss everything. I wanted to forget it and return to old ways of our friendship. To return to the easy banter would have been deeply gratifying, to have her jump up and tell me it was all a farce would have crushed me but elated me at the same time because I was ready to joke and be a brother to her (no matter the deep feelings she was able to conjure up inside me). I was not ready, however to understand and accept that she looked at me as more than just a sibling and that I returned the feeling full force.

Her voice held uncertainty as she'd confessed what she truly wanted and I'd frozen. Frozen over solid because the thing I feared and yearned for the most had become a sudden reality. She wanted me to kiss her. I'd been eighteen then and more than ready to assess to the fact that I thought myself king of the world because I had believed to be. Now I understood more fully that it was just the hormones talking, the testosterone messing with my brain.

All teenagers think they are immortal when they are that young.

I'd misjudged the situation and manipulated it to what I wanted it to be. I wanted her to be lying, for her feelings only to be superficial. I wanted and repelled her at the same time. I was scared shitless when faced with my dreams. Because I had dreamed. Dreamed of every possible scenario and yes maybe that made me a bit of a creep but it was all I could do to be close to her body and not combust on the spot. The urges always took me by surprise, one moment she would be Alice, the girl I had known through her awkward years as she had witnessed mine- my sister in all intends and purposes - , and then with a swift move of her hip, or a rise in her shirt that revealed smooth and pale skin, she would become Alice the seductress. Unaware of the power she awakened within me.

It was too confusing.  
And I was one to need even ground.  
Either she was my sister or she was a woman that I desired.  
It frustrated me to no end that I couldn't find a middle ground.  
Maybe because I wasn't supposed to.  
Maybe because she couldn't be both.

When she had come forth with her request I'd chosen the former. I'd regretted it later and if I was being honest with myself, I regretted the moment she refused my touch. Albeit she was right to refuse, I'd treated her feelings lightly. I'd called her out on how foolish it was for her to feel anything for me, how it was silly, she was confusing what she felt for me and what she _wanted_ to feel for me because let's face it folks, choosing me was a safe bet.

I'd been so wrong to think I was right.

I was okay with her anger, in fact _I wanted it_. I was ready for it only so that I could show her that I was right and she was wrong. I was older, I _had_ to be wiser. But yet when I was unsure of my emotions, she wasn't. Not to say she wasn't insecure, she was, she'd told me as much, but she held a firm grip on what she felt. I had no such luck in the matter. The transition of her view of me had been smooth and gradual; at least I suspected it to be. Mine had been abrupt and was still molding it self to show _me _what I felt for her exactly.

I was not ready for her defeat. I was _not_ ready to see the light leave her eyes. And as much as I wanted to comfort her and bring her back to life I knew I couldn't. In that moment I was the last person she would seek out to comfort her. I had been the cause for her _pain_. I couldn't fix it, even though as I watched her walk away I knew I had to.

I just didn't know where to start.

**

Emmett was supposed to arrive two weeks later and I wasn't sure how I would be able to face him. He would cheer Alice some and he would most likely get the answer out of her if she hadn't all ready told Edward. And _he_ would surely beat me up soon enough. Not for being a confused jackass, I was sure he could respect that but he would beat me to pulp for not handling it well.

And I hadn't.

I would accept it because it was what I deserved. After she had gone to bed I'd followed quickly to my own room. I didn't sleep. If anything, I the scene played in my head one hundred or so times and I couldn't help but see a different ending to each. All of them involved more explaining on my part. I could have, no, _should have_ explained to her how new all of it was.

But I didn't.

The next day no one said anything. She hadn't told them. And that further proved that she could handle anything while I would take the easy and cowardly way out. I remember Bella trying to help. And I'm sure Alice told her enough that she felt the need to confront me. In fact, the girl beat me. Not physically but emotionally. By the time the end of the two weeks came Alice seemed marginally better but we must have resembled each other. Two lifeless bodies. I'd had the –oh–so–fortunate luck of realizing that my feelings had only grown stronger.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

Bella had made both of us along with Edward gather in the living room. Apparently we were being immature because we were avoiding each other and we needed to greet Emmett properly. Emmett didn't show up that day and I vaguely remember Bella crying the next. Not much after that. Human memories aren't solid and time only blurs then further.

What I do remember is carrying Alice. I don't know why but I remember putting her down on her bed and sitting next to her. The urge to touch her had been overpowering and since she seemed to be sleeping I dared to trace my hand across her face. Selfish yes, but I was a greedy monster and any chance that presented itself to me I would take. What happened next is hazy and blurred into one feeling.

Numbness.

There must have been something before that. Another feeling, but my body must have shut down. I see myself kissing her and then looking at the door. Her now tear filled eyes giving me a small nod. I see myself walking away and every time, _every fucking time_ I go through this memory I scream at myself to do something, _anything but_ walk away.

I didn't speak to Alice after that. The kiss had somehow sealed something, cemented it to a reality. Unlike most kisses that allow a relationship to flourish, ours only served to engrave in our minds what we knew to be true. We couldn't be together.

Things were past simple solutions and heartfelt apologies. There was too much damage.

But it's in the past. And the past can't be changed. No matter how many times you dream up different scenarios.

I still couldn't handle my thirst around humans after one year of being a vampire but even if Alice had survived the influenza epidemic, I wasn't sure if _I_ could handle the scent of her blood. She'd smelled wonderful to my human senses; I could only imagine what that would do to my now heightened sense of smell. No, I couldn't risk loosing her to my nature but I still ventured close to where they kept her by then.

I'd smelled vampire the minute I hit the edge of the forest that served as hiking ground for _recovery_ patients. I'd been angered to see Alice missing among the small group. _There was nothing wrong_ with her head. Absolutely nothing was fucking wrong. SHE was perfect but they didn't know that.

It took me two years to finally gather the courage to break her out of there. I told you, I was a coward. The hesitation had mainly to do with my inability to control my gift and the urge to drink off every drop of every human that passed by me. I didn't want to kill her. I swear I didn't. I did keep tabs on her though; I made sure the fuck ups that worked in the place didn't hurt her. I made sure of that. I kept her alive that long. It may not excuse what I did but maybe I would be able to use it as proof that I wasn't a complete monster when judgment day arrived.

That night, every ounce of self control I had was shattered when she crashed through the window. I'd been unable to know the outcome of the fight but I had initiated it. I'd focused my anger at James and made sure that Gabriel's feelings toward Alice were intensified that night. Enough so that he would finally act upon the urge to run away with her. I had expected him to succumb to James's will, he always did but as I saw him cradle her body to his forcibly I'd become furious and my anger had only served fuel his bravery.

Things had gone so wrong.

Gabriel had attempted to run away and instead succeeded in hurting Alice. He'd lost his grip on her and I'd watched as she had flown through the glass. My body reacted and rushed to catch her. The impact broke a few of her bones but I was too elated to notice. She was in my arms, _in my fucking arms again. _

That's when I noticed the blood.

The glass had cut into her skin and her blood was flowing freely over my clothing. Her scent was clouding my judgment and I unconsciously pulled her body to me. She screamed out and it momentarily helped bring me back to reality. If only for a moment. In that second I realized what I'd been about to do and the horror made my limbs put her down. I ran.

If only she hadn't called my name. If only she hadn't remembered me.

I was a good 20 miles into the forest when her soft whisper had called out my name. A small name… _Jasper_, but it had undone me. I'd crashed to the ground and cried. Of course no tears came but the gut retching feeling was still there. I growled. The army had taught be not to show emotions, just anger, anger for your country, anger for the enemy. It made killing easier to bear.

The ground shook with each fist I threw upon it; I could not go back to her! I would harm her and then the real hell would begin. A world without Alice was a world without light. Even if I couldn't bask in its glow closely I could still be a spectator and enjoy the warmth it gave off. I could not stand for that light to go out, to be tarnished and never flicker back to life.

But that's what I did.

She cried out once more and as I ran back I could see James land next to her start to suck her wrist. She screamed my name again….things take a red glow from there. Even in my memories. The thought of James harming her…of taking her…. Of…. A deep growl erupted through my mouth. He _would not_ take her.

Never.

I remember tearing his limbs, not the actual act but the sounds of ripping skin and sweet venom. I'd lost control and in that haze my instincts had smelled sweet, mouthwatering blood. The beast wanted to feast at its victory and the source was _right there_. I acted without thinking.

In the seconds that followed my mouth was at Alice's throat… sucking the life out of her. And she was caressing my neck. The simultaneous feeling of her blood in my mouth and her hands in my hair were too much and I lost myself. As her hands went limp against my scalp I retreated. Even the sight of her blood, though she was dead made my mouth pool with venom. It dripped from my mouth to her throat. The change would not occur now. The animal was full and I felt sense settle into my mind. The haze lifted.

That's when I felt incoherent screams flow throughout my mind. My mouth made no sound. I couldn't move.

I would give nor receive the chance to salvage what we had both left behind. My cries resonated throughout the dark night.

I pulled Alice to me. Her body laid limps in my arms as I breathed her in.  
Her scent slowly lost it's intensity.  
I crushed her closer.


	6. Jasper, Part 2

**Heyyyy people of the world of FF. So this is the second part. This chapter is short. As you may be able to tell. If you are confused, go back to the Alice chapter....part one 1 think. She has a vision there, while human, again check both to make sure. I have bad memory. So hopefully that clears things up. Oh and posting will get easier (or maybe harder, you neva know) after this week. I am done with School, first year! Yeah! well actually, I'm done with classes, now I just have to take exams for the next week. Ugh. **

**Wish me luck.  
Read it.  
Review it.  
.....try to enjoy it? **

**- Axena**

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"_Fragile  
She doesnt see her beauty  
She tries to get away  
Sometimes  
Its just that nothing seems worth saving  
I can__t watch her slip aw__ay__"_

**-Nine Inch Nails, The Fragile**

**Jasper, Part 2 **

Her glare makes me flinch, though I don't show it.

I don't want that look directed at me. I despise it.  
I loathe myself because I placed the anger in her eyes.  
I made it appear and swirl inside her now dark orbs.

I feel weak and the thunder crashes around us. The trees surround us. She doesn't feel safe.

I can sense the fear, the anger, the hurt.

The rage.

It's disgusting how feeling the emotions of others makes you immune to your own.

Most of the time.

The fear wins out.  
I panic.

She can't fear me. No. No Alice, please don't go.

She's moving.

I couldn't bear it again. Please don't leave. Don't go. Don't-

"Stay Away from me" Her fear is winning. How did we get here?

Did I say those things out loud?

She keeps on moving.

The panic over floods my system and I run.

Our bodies crash together.

I won't let you go Alice.

No not again.

You can not be an illusion.

She's real.

I fear it and relish it.

This time she struggles against my grip.

I start to cry.

Alice you are _real_.

I have never felt such sweet relief.


	7. Circa Survive

**Hello, this is late, I'm not sure how many of you have actually waited for this but regardless, here we go.  
This is Edward for you guys.  
Enjoy.**

p.s. please forgive any inaccuracies and be sure to point out mistakes of any sort. 

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_"Don't open your eyes  
And said goodnight  
Don't open your eyes  
And said goodnight"_

**-The Silversun Pickups, Dream At Tempo 119 **

**Edward  
(Third Person POV)**

The photo is creased, defined by many small wrinkles that spread over the full length of their bodies. Parts of the picture have faded and disappeared completely but one part always stands out, always. The heavy makeup that surrounds her features only serves to make them more prominent and startling. Her eyes always stare back at him with the promise of a hidden secret soon to be revealed. Her teeth are slightly biting her lower lip. A small blush is making its way over her cheeks; despite the tough outward appearance she usually gave Bella was never one to take compliments smoothly. And he loved that about her. What had he said to her? You can only see his profile, he is leaning into her. His arms encircle her waist. The tattoo on his wrist is dark against the faded brown of the ancient picture.

Then he remembers.

"This is going to fucking hurt like a fucking mother fucker" He is trying to make her laugh. It's working. She lets out a small giggle. It astounds him how she is not bothered by piercings but is terrified of tattoos. They both use needles, what's the difference? He sighs. The girl that has a vice grip on his hand is a person that he will never tire of. She will always be by his side.

Always.

The reassurance of the small-like epiphany makes his hand hurt a little less. Why are they getting these ink markings anyways? It's not as if he enjoys seeing her in pain but he was never able to refuse her much of anything (there is also the other crap about it all being bad for your skin and thinking about the repercussions, good things to keep in mind but they are and always will be impulsive teenagers). Even when he didn't know he had feelings for her. Of course back then he looked at her as a sibling, equals that would share everything. And she knew right where to push in order to get her way. Her hand cuts off more of the circulation on his hand. It brings him back to the present.

"Tell me something funny" Her voice is strained.

"I'm not a funny person"

"Sure you are" She tries to take part in the conversation, anything to distract herself. The needle continues to buzz.

"No, not really, nope. Don't think so" He is restrained from making full sentences. It hurts his wrist like a bad fuck too.

"See? Right there? You made me smile"

"I feel elated"

"Smartass"

"Punk" He grins and without having to look over, he knows she is grinning too. It's a personal game between the two.

"Goth"  
"Misfit"  
"Outcast"  
"Vampire"  
"Metal Head" She goes in for the kill.  
"Emo"

This makes them both laugh and he can see that she forgets about the pain that is inflicted by the buzz of the needle. Their appearances categorize them under many categories that neither of them enjoy and mostly laugh at. How can you categorize people anyways? It's not possible. Her eyes dare to look down at the work of the man with a bandana around his hair. The small curls remind her of her brother. The muscles that threaten the jump out of the tank top remind her why they are getting this tattoo, on _this_ specific day.

His birthday.

Edward sees her eyes fill with small tears and he calls to her. This much he remembers. The small details of what make up the epitome of Bella. His need to care for her, the balance they shared. How easy it was to be in her world get lost in her and share her pain, be her equal.

He always felt a sort of dominance he didn't enjoy with other girls he felt attracted to. They were ruled by his looks, wanting to please him in order to receive his approval. Bella wasn't like that. With a small sigh he opens his eyes and stares ahead of him. Reality can be crippling. His thumb continues the small methodical caresses over the small photo.

It is very strange, this duality. Feel so much mental strain but such physical energy.  
Because that's what Edward is now. Mentally exhausted with the strain of memories that just _won't _stop, (not that he wants them to) but fully able to destroy a car with a hard enough shove. The two ends are wearing him thing and he just wants it all to stop just _stop_.

This is heaven and hell. And most of them time, he can't tell the difference.

His memories of her are things he cherishes, they are his heaven. Not being able to touch her and be with her, they are his hell. But if he wasn't alive he wouldn't remember her. But if he was dead he could be with her.

It saddens him every day that he is unable to die.  
He doesn't feed unless the thirst cripples him to the point of dying thirst.  
Edward wouldn't drink if it meant his death.  
But vampire can't die.

Yes, he has contemplated death. He knows it's almost childish, this need for her, but he can't help it.

He wants his Bella.

His eyes, which had closed as he recalled her features through weak human eyes, open again and they fall on the wall in front of him. He wants to cry. At least the hurt would minimally subside if he could properly mourn over her loss. Inevitably his mind wanders. He's trained it not to and most of the time it stays within the limited perimeters he's allowed himself to think freely in. Bella never really conformed to the boundaries of well…anything and her memories are no different, if Bella wants to make an appearance in his brain, she will. They are his brand of mental heroine. Why else does a junkie get high?

The brain _needs_ to be happy. It is not something any species can just _desire_. Happiness is a necessary thing in order to live. Like breathing, Bella is that shot of oxygen, even when the memories are anything but pleasant.

For once Edward gives up and lets them wash through him.

He needs to see her before he dies. His body stumbles down the various streets and the yells from passing cars do not help his headache. Things become incoherent and everything stumbles together into a sort of mixed picture. There are hookers, men smoking, they are laughing and their voices are much too loud for Edward. He stops and leans against a wall. There is sweat covering his brow despite the cool air of the night. His hair is sticking to parts of his forehead and most of it covers his eyes now. The aches are almost too hard to tolerate but Edward has a goal.

He needs to see her.  
Say good bye because it is out of the question.  
He is going to die.  
He needs to be with her when that happens.

Some part of him realizes that it is wrong to ask so much of her, she's probably moved on by now, and he knows it's the insecure part of him talking. Bella would never move on. But still, he doesn't think he can tell her to stand aside and watch him die. But he is a selfish man, with selfish needs. He needs her now more than ever. Everyone else is gone. All they have is each other. With a push he gets off the wall, stumbles forward.

The home comes into view soon enough. This part of town has become dangerous and there are boards covering most of the windows. It looks like a scene form a poorly made movie. A small hysterical laughs escapes him.

He has to be hallucinating.

This was the only place he thought he could find her and from the looks of it the place is deserted and completely run down. She could be anywhere. Hot tears tremble down his cheeks. His nose no longer lets him breath. He is gasping for breath. His knees buckle. His body is now among the many discarded corpses that fill the streets.

Where is Bella?  
Where is the beautiful swan?  
Where is she?  
Where….  
Where….  
Where….

Edward wakes up with a gasp but the passing of oxygen through his lungs makes him cough. He feels like a man who has been in the desert for far too long without a drink. A man beside him moves. His voice says something about staying still. He is too weak to fight off the hand. He collapses down on the cot.

His thoughts are fueled and consumed by her only. There are moments of clear reality but they are filled with the awareness of aches, coughs, fever, and vomiting, stuffy noses and excruciating headaches.

Needless to say, the dreams are far more enticing. He lets his friends accompany him in his imagination. They are there. Laughing and joking with him, she is standing next to him, his hand grips hers and she squeezes back. He can see himself talk but he doesn't hear the words. Suddenly he is alone with her. She encircles her arms around his neck. She squeezes too tightly. He feels her teeth. His neck is burning. He tells her to stop and just like that… Bella transforms. Her skin changes from a pale to an olive color. Her hair becomes blond instead of the wonderful brown.

She is not Bella. He tries to shout but the burn is too strong. It starts to encase his body. He screams until his voice is lost. He shouts for her.

Bella  
Bella….

"Bella" with a sense of loss, Edward comes back to the present. That was a hundred years ago but the memory is still fresh.

One can never really forget the burn of the venom or their maker.

One can never forget their first and only love.


End file.
